I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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