K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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