after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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