Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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