i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
