This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
