I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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