He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
