I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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