I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize