chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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