Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
