I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
