Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
