Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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