Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
