Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
