You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize