She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
