Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize