we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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