Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
