I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
