She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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