Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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