Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
