ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
