You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
NoShamevember. You game?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
