Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize