Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
