And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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