I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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