you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
