I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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