I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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