am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
