maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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