I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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