i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
