I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
