Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
