My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
