also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
