I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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