hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dignity is for republicans.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
