I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
