tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
