I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
