My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
