There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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