omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
