i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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