I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
