I wish I only lived at night.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
