I got chris browned last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There are leaves in my underwear?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize