I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
