I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
